Clarity is the Number One Driver of Business Performance (I learned that from my pal Geoff Mullray)
Day 10 feels like a watershed because I am becoming clearer about my blog as this process unfolds. I realize, for starters, that I am going to forget the topics covered, so that I better start putting them in the headlines. I also discovered that the challenge motif is less important than what I really want to write about, which is Life Lessons from an Executive Coach/Therapist. For now, I'll keep the original motif. Let me know what you think.
So what was different about Day 10? It's getting easier to run. Heretofore (who says that anymore?), my motivational mantra has been one of three things: 1) "It's only a matter of 30 minutes," and 2) "Take the drama out of it (as one of my yoga instructors used to say when we we're pretzeled in some preposterous pose, or 3) "I think I can, I think I can," yes, you guessed it, The Little Engine that Could, "I thought I could, I thought I could." (I know book titles are supposed to be underlined, but I can't figure out ow to do that just now.
At any rate, today I could tell it was a turning point because half-way through the run, I wasn't thinking about how I was doing, and when I'd be finished. I was thinking about clarity, and how having a single-minded focus creates results.
Having to run/walk for 30 minutes a day is so clear, that it makes it easy for me to do what I need to do, and I am starting to see results. Other things take a back-seat, so that I can get this done. Sorry dentist Dr. Goldstein, I did cancel on you two days ago so that I could run. Now, one day of running doesn't amount to much. Nothing changes dramatically. However, in doing it for 10 days, there is a concrete shift in fitness level. It's a bit like knitting a sweater...a couple of rows or an inch is nothing, but, if you keep at it, eventually you have a sweater, and beyond that, an entire winter wardrobe, albeit of stuff you probably wouldn't want to wear, but you get my gist.
Another clarity facet is that if you have a good road-map, larger tasks are possible because they aren't so overwhelming that they create paralysis. It's the lesson taught in AA: One-day-at-a-time. To imagine giving something up, or doing something every day for the rest of your life is way too overwhelming. But, to have to make it one day -- which add up to a series of days -- seems palatable.
One of my former clients put this road map concept in a really colorful way. He said (and I'm paraphrasing again, "When a plane charts a course between New York and Los Angeles, it doesn't chart directly to its destination. Rather, it gets charted from New York to Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh to Dayton, Dayton to Indianapolis, to Des Moines, and so on it goes, until it reaches Los Angeles. Now, I don't know if flight technology has changed all of that, but the point is: When you are trying to accomplish big goals, focus first on getting to Pittsburgh.
If you have a clear goal, a good road map, and motivation to reach your goal, then it's a matter of checking things off of the list in order to get there. The clearer you are, the more you'll accomplish, and the better you'll be able to tolerate the challenges along the way. I can't think of an area in which that rule does not apply.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Day 9/100 Run Challenge
Permission
My friend Carl Vanderbush wrote in response to my blog. He basically said, and I paraphrasing here, "If you run for 100 days you're going to get injured, so you might want to consider cooling it, especially since you are over 45." I have been thinking the same thing, but it's almost as though I needed permission to walk. Why that judgment was not good enough coming from me, and had to come from outside, is material for another day. For now, I feel good about not having to run everyday.
So what does that do to my challenge? Well, as I opine on the blog while I'm running, I realize that the challenges, overtime, will be spiritual, emotional, physical and intellectual in nature. Even though all of those elements are intertwined, each challenge will focus on one of those areas (though writing the blog as genuinely as I can is a constant emotional challenge).
The decision: the run is definitely physical, so something physical should be added here. I finally settled on alternating running and walking days, and taking sugar out of my diet for the remaining 91 days of the challenge. I am starting with relatively easy challenges, because I want to keep the commitments.
Lastly, I am having a dilemma over blogging. As a therapist, I am not supposed to reveal a lot about myself to others. At the same time, it's important to protect confidentiality of my clients and patients. The safest way for me to do that is to address common themes, but in the context of my personal experience. I'll have to check with my sage counselors for perspective, but I imagine social networking and internet communication will change a lot for therapists--though perhaps it's not that different from writing a book.
My friend Carl Vanderbush wrote in response to my blog. He basically said, and I paraphrasing here, "If you run for 100 days you're going to get injured, so you might want to consider cooling it, especially since you are over 45." I have been thinking the same thing, but it's almost as though I needed permission to walk. Why that judgment was not good enough coming from me, and had to come from outside, is material for another day. For now, I feel good about not having to run everyday.
So what does that do to my challenge? Well, as I opine on the blog while I'm running, I realize that the challenges, overtime, will be spiritual, emotional, physical and intellectual in nature. Even though all of those elements are intertwined, each challenge will focus on one of those areas (though writing the blog as genuinely as I can is a constant emotional challenge).
The decision: the run is definitely physical, so something physical should be added here. I finally settled on alternating running and walking days, and taking sugar out of my diet for the remaining 91 days of the challenge. I am starting with relatively easy challenges, because I want to keep the commitments.
Lastly, I am having a dilemma over blogging. As a therapist, I am not supposed to reveal a lot about myself to others. At the same time, it's important to protect confidentiality of my clients and patients. The safest way for me to do that is to address common themes, but in the context of my personal experience. I'll have to check with my sage counselors for perspective, but I imagine social networking and internet communication will change a lot for therapists--though perhaps it's not that different from writing a book.
Day 8/100 Run Challenge
Things Are Not Always As They Appear
Mondays are always difficult for running. I have patients starting at 8:15 a.m., and then an afternoon gap, but I hate taking two showers a day -- too time consuming. Plus, I always find afternoon runs harder than morning runs. I wasn't particularly motivated, and told myself it would be okay just to walk. Then I thought I'd at least try a slow jog, and sure enough I made it. It helped that a nice man (who passed me) said, "isn't it a beautiful day that we have?" I sputtered back, "yes. lovely," given that I was on the hardest part of the run. But just that simple kindness kept me going longer somehow -- though I did make up that he was older than me -- which made me feel "out-of-shape." Who knows? Things are not always as they appear.
I run into this notion all of the time in my professional work. I started noticing it just as my business got started in 2003. Hugely successful people would come into my office and say, "I feel like a fraud." While I have not heard that for a long time, I notice that people who seem to have it all together are often compensating for not having it together at all. This is such a common theme, I sometimes feel that the better the package, the more challenged the person. That may be extreme, but it's what I've experienced over-and-over.
In my own experience, I have experienced appearing to be more confident than I am. I have spent considerable time jumping off cliffs (metaphorically speaking), and taking risks that put me way in over my head. But, I would just fake it, and then be really anxious, and angry, a lot of the time.
This is an issue that I've been working on for years. The goal: to become genuinely confident, not superficially confident. The hardest part of taking the defense of "image" away, is that one has to come to terms with, and truly experience, vulnerability, weaknesses and inadequacies, which is what the "faking" was a defense against in the first place. Let me tell you how much that sucks. I went through a period of feeling so lousy and incapable, it was awful. Really, I thought it would be much better to continue faking it. But, over time, I noticed that facing my vulnerability was much more courageous than strutting my talents (or pretending I had talents that didn't exist), and disowning the parts I'd rather not acknowledge. Ironically, that was the path to feeling more powerful. Go figure. And now, I'm less angry, more tolerant, more connected to people I love...that's peace. I still have drive, it's just less important.
Another funny thing about it: I was in a group, and people said to me, "I like you much more now that you don't seem to have it all together."
"Wow. That's just about all there is to say about that. Wow." (I think that's a quote from Lily's Purple Plastic Purse.)
Mondays are always difficult for running. I have patients starting at 8:15 a.m., and then an afternoon gap, but I hate taking two showers a day -- too time consuming. Plus, I always find afternoon runs harder than morning runs. I wasn't particularly motivated, and told myself it would be okay just to walk. Then I thought I'd at least try a slow jog, and sure enough I made it. It helped that a nice man (who passed me) said, "isn't it a beautiful day that we have?" I sputtered back, "yes. lovely," given that I was on the hardest part of the run. But just that simple kindness kept me going longer somehow -- though I did make up that he was older than me -- which made me feel "out-of-shape." Who knows? Things are not always as they appear.
I run into this notion all of the time in my professional work. I started noticing it just as my business got started in 2003. Hugely successful people would come into my office and say, "I feel like a fraud." While I have not heard that for a long time, I notice that people who seem to have it all together are often compensating for not having it together at all. This is such a common theme, I sometimes feel that the better the package, the more challenged the person. That may be extreme, but it's what I've experienced over-and-over.
In my own experience, I have experienced appearing to be more confident than I am. I have spent considerable time jumping off cliffs (metaphorically speaking), and taking risks that put me way in over my head. But, I would just fake it, and then be really anxious, and angry, a lot of the time.
This is an issue that I've been working on for years. The goal: to become genuinely confident, not superficially confident. The hardest part of taking the defense of "image" away, is that one has to come to terms with, and truly experience, vulnerability, weaknesses and inadequacies, which is what the "faking" was a defense against in the first place. Let me tell you how much that sucks. I went through a period of feeling so lousy and incapable, it was awful. Really, I thought it would be much better to continue faking it. But, over time, I noticed that facing my vulnerability was much more courageous than strutting my talents (or pretending I had talents that didn't exist), and disowning the parts I'd rather not acknowledge. Ironically, that was the path to feeling more powerful. Go figure. And now, I'm less angry, more tolerant, more connected to people I love...that's peace. I still have drive, it's just less important.
Another funny thing about it: I was in a group, and people said to me, "I like you much more now that you don't seem to have it all together."
"Wow. That's just about all there is to say about that. Wow." (I think that's a quote from Lily's Purple Plastic Purse.)
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Day 7/100 Run Challenge
It was really hard to get out there this morning, but I managed. What struck me was how beautiful the day was, so I was immediately grateful as I walked out the door. Then, I got into Central Park (I run there along the bridal path), and immediately felt GUILTY.
The Race for the Cure was being run. Breast cancer killed my mother and sister back-to-back in 1997, and I have another sister who is a survivor. I should be the first person running in these kinds of races, and I don't. I don't even pay attention when they are happening. Why is that? I got my answer at the end of the run, as I navigated through the sea of people. I realized that the only way to cross Central Park West was to join the flow of humanity going upstream, as though I was a race participant. As I joined, I saw those pink squares people wear on their backs, that list all of the people for whom they are running. And as I began to well up, I had a memory of the last time I was in a race for the cure run/walk.
It was Mother's Day, May 1997. I was with my sister, who subsequently died three months later, her two sons who were then three and five year, her husband, and my other sister who is a survivor. I remember two things most about that day in Philadelphia. First -- the long list of people on my young nephews backs. Their signs read, "I am running for my mother, my grandmother, my Aunt Leslie and my Aunt D." I thought, "They are only 3 and 5. How can their list be so long?" Of course what I didn't think was that their is was my list too. Secondly -- I remembered when my sister Lee ran from where she was walking with me, to catch up to her husband and two boys. She ran with this labored, awkward gate that was almost bizarre. She was 37 at the time, and for all of her life had been an incredible athlete with a beautiful figure. It was hard to experience her with such disability, including a bald, swollen-all-over look that came from chemo and steroid treatment. Why does anyone take steroids without a medical need?
Today, as I made my way across the avenue, and began to well-up with tears, I realized I don't need to feel guilty for not participating in these races. They are just too painful for me. I'll have to find other ways to contribute to the cause and hope-against-hope that my daughter does not get this illness from me.
On a more positive note, I had dinner with a good friend last night. He was the first person I had the courage to tell that I was writing a blog. I'm not sure why I am so self-conscious about writing and actually having anyone read it. Fear that it's not well done, or that no one will be interested I guess. I am an okay writer, but not a particularly good storyteller.
He was so positive and encouraging, I will send him my blog link and maybe have more confidence to tell others. Though, in the end, I think we all must be blogging for ourselves--I don't know enough about it. I was also doubly impressed to learn that Doug Heddings's, my friend, blog is being picked up by the Wall Street Journal. Wow. Fantastic.
Another thought occurred to me. We are all soley responsible for making our lives work, but somehow, we can't reach that goal without the love, support and caring of others -- the never-ending intertwining of independence and interdependence.
Here's to life's challenges in all of their facets.
The Race for the Cure was being run. Breast cancer killed my mother and sister back-to-back in 1997, and I have another sister who is a survivor. I should be the first person running in these kinds of races, and I don't. I don't even pay attention when they are happening. Why is that? I got my answer at the end of the run, as I navigated through the sea of people. I realized that the only way to cross Central Park West was to join the flow of humanity going upstream, as though I was a race participant. As I joined, I saw those pink squares people wear on their backs, that list all of the people for whom they are running. And as I began to well up, I had a memory of the last time I was in a race for the cure run/walk.
It was Mother's Day, May 1997. I was with my sister, who subsequently died three months later, her two sons who were then three and five year, her husband, and my other sister who is a survivor. I remember two things most about that day in Philadelphia. First -- the long list of people on my young nephews backs. Their signs read, "I am running for my mother, my grandmother, my Aunt Leslie and my Aunt D." I thought, "They are only 3 and 5. How can their list be so long?" Of course what I didn't think was that their is was my list too. Secondly -- I remembered when my sister Lee ran from where she was walking with me, to catch up to her husband and two boys. She ran with this labored, awkward gate that was almost bizarre. She was 37 at the time, and for all of her life had been an incredible athlete with a beautiful figure. It was hard to experience her with such disability, including a bald, swollen-all-over look that came from chemo and steroid treatment. Why does anyone take steroids without a medical need?
Today, as I made my way across the avenue, and began to well-up with tears, I realized I don't need to feel guilty for not participating in these races. They are just too painful for me. I'll have to find other ways to contribute to the cause and hope-against-hope that my daughter does not get this illness from me.
On a more positive note, I had dinner with a good friend last night. He was the first person I had the courage to tell that I was writing a blog. I'm not sure why I am so self-conscious about writing and actually having anyone read it. Fear that it's not well done, or that no one will be interested I guess. I am an okay writer, but not a particularly good storyteller.
He was so positive and encouraging, I will send him my blog link and maybe have more confidence to tell others. Though, in the end, I think we all must be blogging for ourselves--I don't know enough about it. I was also doubly impressed to learn that Doug Heddings's, my friend, blog is being picked up by the Wall Street Journal. Wow. Fantastic.
Another thought occurred to me. We are all soley responsible for making our lives work, but somehow, we can't reach that goal without the love, support and caring of others -- the never-ending intertwining of independence and interdependence.
Here's to life's challenges in all of their facets.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Days 4, 5 & 6
Ugh. Well, the challenge was challenged. I did not run on day 4. There was no good reason, other than my baby toenail hurt and I decided to get a pedicure before I ran. Then, at the pedicure, I got a massage, and by then, I had to be at home to relieve the babysitter. My husband then did not come home until after 8:00 p.m., and I simply could not motivate by that time.
As a result, I considered throwing in the proverbial towel. I thought I'd give up the whole thing, because -- after all -- if I can't manage day 4, then how am I going to get to 100! But then, I decided that I didn't want to give up. On day 5, I had a great run (after my day of rest), and day 6 -- today, I had a miserable run.
It felt humid and crowded. I was being so critical of the crowds. It is the first weekend after Labor Day. But as I always do, when I am hyper-critical, I tried to see what was going on with me to be feeling so judgmental. I realized that someone had recently criticized me, and I was angry about it --- working through trying not to feel defensive. And the night before, a new client had such nice things to say about me. What gives?
I always tell clients not to go on the roller coaster of what others think. People form judgments for their own reasons. Their judgments are more to do with themselves than they are with you. That goes for positive and negative feedback. Take what you can learn, use it and then move on.
As a result, I considered throwing in the proverbial towel. I thought I'd give up the whole thing, because -- after all -- if I can't manage day 4, then how am I going to get to 100! But then, I decided that I didn't want to give up. On day 5, I had a great run (after my day of rest), and day 6 -- today, I had a miserable run.
It felt humid and crowded. I was being so critical of the crowds. It is the first weekend after Labor Day. But as I always do, when I am hyper-critical, I tried to see what was going on with me to be feeling so judgmental. I realized that someone had recently criticized me, and I was angry about it --- working through trying not to feel defensive. And the night before, a new client had such nice things to say about me. What gives?
I always tell clients not to go on the roller coaster of what others think. People form judgments for their own reasons. Their judgments are more to do with themselves than they are with you. That goes for positive and negative feedback. Take what you can learn, use it and then move on.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Days 2 & 3 100-Day Run Challenge
The second day was fine. A guy wearing a t-shirt that said, "Concrete meets courage," cruised past like I was standing still. I couldn't help thinking about his t-shirt. What does that mean? Is it some kind of martial arts thing?
It got me thinking about how hard people push themselves. People who push too hard are likely running from something. You miss so much if you are pushing more than you are experiencing.
I also discovered that the goal of the run challenge is not so much a specific outcome i.e. lose weight (though I could stand to lose a couple) or become more fit, but rather to learn life lessons. You learn a lot when you dig deep to do something that is hard. So, I discovered that a big part of this blog is about speaking genuinely.
Day 3 was more difficult. I procrastinated to the point of sandwiching the run between work appointments and went to supervision (I am a therapist) in my running clothes -- not the most professional. Ah well.
Today is Day 4, and I have not yet run. I was thinking, I've only done one post, I don't need to keep it up. But somehow the commitment is there, and I will keep trying -- though 96 days feels like a lot. I'll have to approach this taking a page from AA -- "one day at a time." Anything more than that feels too overwhelming. I'm also learning that as difficult as it is to run everyday, it's also hard to write everyday. I want to write more, however, because I've always wanted to write a book, and I never get to it. I think I am too insecure about my writing -- not a great storyteller -- so perhaps this blog will get me past that.
It got me thinking about how hard people push themselves. People who push too hard are likely running from something. You miss so much if you are pushing more than you are experiencing.
I also discovered that the goal of the run challenge is not so much a specific outcome i.e. lose weight (though I could stand to lose a couple) or become more fit, but rather to learn life lessons. You learn a lot when you dig deep to do something that is hard. So, I discovered that a big part of this blog is about speaking genuinely.
Day 3 was more difficult. I procrastinated to the point of sandwiching the run between work appointments and went to supervision (I am a therapist) in my running clothes -- not the most professional. Ah well.
Today is Day 4, and I have not yet run. I was thinking, I've only done one post, I don't need to keep it up. But somehow the commitment is there, and I will keep trying -- though 96 days feels like a lot. I'll have to approach this taking a page from AA -- "one day at a time." Anything more than that feels too overwhelming. I'm also learning that as difficult as it is to run everyday, it's also hard to write everyday. I want to write more, however, because I've always wanted to write a book, and I never get to it. I think I am too insecure about my writing -- not a great storyteller -- so perhaps this blog will get me past that.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The New Midlife
Premise:
With age, life moves from a focus on accomplishing goals to trying to enjoy the ride. So what can be done to facilitate growth and enrichment for the second half of life. One idea: 100-Day Midlife Challenges. How? Tackle something that is difficult in 100-day increments. The growth has less to do about accomplishing the challenge itself, and more about what the challenge teaches.
At 47, I have made it through my version of a midlife crisis. Whew! The lessons (or the one I'm willing to talk about), can be distilled into one theme : Prior to midlife, life is about goals and objectives. Post midlife, it is about process.
What does that mean? I have found my life's partner. I have finished having babies. My career is solidified: executive coach and psychotherapist. Let's face it, the opportunity to become a surgeon no longer exists.
In the first half of life, possibilities are limitless. Our job in that period is to narrow the vast possibility field to specific decisions. But once those decisions are finalized, it's important to continue grow.
The First 100-Day Midlife Challenge:
Run for 30 minutes and write about it everyday. Why? I struggle with the discipline to keep fit, and it only gets harder as I approach 50. I'm sure other topics will readily come up -- reading classic literature for an hour every night, quit wine, quit spending, work on the newest idea for an hour every night.....maybe others will have ideas.
The 100 Day Run Challenge
Day 1: September 7
The run was easy. I was in Katonah, and ran/walked 4.2 miles, but it took me 50 minutes. It's beautiful country, but a couple of killer hills. I felt flabby after two weeks of pasta in Italy, and my clothes felt small. But the weather was cool, and I felt strong.
I'm worried about being able to keep the commitment. We'll just have to see what happens.
With age, life moves from a focus on accomplishing goals to trying to enjoy the ride. So what can be done to facilitate growth and enrichment for the second half of life. One idea: 100-Day Midlife Challenges. How? Tackle something that is difficult in 100-day increments. The growth has less to do about accomplishing the challenge itself, and more about what the challenge teaches.
At 47, I have made it through my version of a midlife crisis. Whew! The lessons (or the one I'm willing to talk about), can be distilled into one theme : Prior to midlife, life is about goals and objectives. Post midlife, it is about process.
What does that mean? I have found my life's partner. I have finished having babies. My career is solidified: executive coach and psychotherapist. Let's face it, the opportunity to become a surgeon no longer exists.
In the first half of life, possibilities are limitless. Our job in that period is to narrow the vast possibility field to specific decisions. But once those decisions are finalized, it's important to continue grow.
The First 100-Day Midlife Challenge:
Run for 30 minutes and write about it everyday. Why? I struggle with the discipline to keep fit, and it only gets harder as I approach 50. I'm sure other topics will readily come up -- reading classic literature for an hour every night, quit wine, quit spending, work on the newest idea for an hour every night.....maybe others will have ideas.
The 100 Day Run Challenge
Day 1: September 7
The run was easy. I was in Katonah, and ran/walked 4.2 miles, but it took me 50 minutes. It's beautiful country, but a couple of killer hills. I felt flabby after two weeks of pasta in Italy, and my clothes felt small. But the weather was cool, and I felt strong.
I'm worried about being able to keep the commitment. We'll just have to see what happens.
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